Dawn Oday - "Count Your Blessings"

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

I am one of the Baby Boom generation. Born in 1951 at the height of DES treatment for miscarriage. While no longer having medical records to prove it. I believe I have enough symptoms to warrant my constant dysphoria and depression for over 64 years.

Coming out as transgender was not something that many people did in the past. I was in constant fear that someone would find out. Transgender was not a common word at the time. In fact not until the early 80’s. Before that time, we were perverts, crossdressers and transvestites. That is why my first wife left me. She thought I was a pervert. I was truly in love with my first wife. We accomplished so many firsts. I just wasn’t prepared for marriage and neither was she. I was not prepared to stop dressing in private. She caught me one day and started dating a doctor, she worked with. We were final in July 1980. For the next 40+ years I wondered why.

There was a problem, however. I remarried three years later. I met my new girlfriend while going to a party at an ex-co-workers house. We had been seeing each other only a couple months when the building next door caught fire and damaged our apartment building and forced me and my brother to move out. Jo asked if I wanted her to find an apartment. I said OK because as usual I was working 12-14 hours a day and really didn’t have that much time to look. But alas, I didn’t know she was planning on moving in. Shortly after my mother was killed by a drunk driver. Then the following December my dad died. My life went into a spiral. When we moved, I had told her, I crossdress. It never seemed to bother her. So I let it go. For the next 30 years. I dressed in private every chance I got. It was never about sex as I believe I am asexual which might be another reason for my previous divorce.

Being asexual does not necessarily mean I have never had sex but it is usually to please my partner. Not myself. As a result, over our 35 years together and we have had sex maybe twenty times. But we do have two babies. I call it the immaculate conception because one would think my teeny weeny would not be able to infiltrate the vagina. I compare it to playing basketball and after the shot the ball rolls around and around the rim and then falls in. I do have to say however if not for my kids being born, I probably would not be alive today as I had gone off the rails.

Around the time my dad had died, I had started doing drugs, smoking and drinking. And I can’t drink socially. I have to get drunk. I remember the time I pissed some guy off from a motorcycle club and he threw his chair at me. It carried through the observation window where you could watch Shakey’s Pizza’s being made. Pitchers of beer were $3. I would usually chug 5 or 6. I spent the night sleeping in a phone booth. About a year after my sons birth I made a decision, I will value forever. I assigned my son as my higher power. I realized he was why I was living. So I quit, drinking, smoking and doing drugs cold turkey. It was easy when I stopped being selfish. Three years later my daughter was born. I am partial, but based on the comments of co-workers I have the best kids ever. I am so proud of both of them.

Why do I do this? I asked myself for years and had no answers only fear of what other people think. I finally had a breakdown in 2014 at my sisters house which was about 75 miles from my ex. There has not been a day go by that I don’t think, what if? So when I came home once again I went to a therapist. This time, a gender therapist. I still see them monthly. I went the first time in 1982 and Cigna just did not have any qualified therapists. I would get massive depression sessions and so I went to therapy sessions that turned into Mindfulness seminar series. Six times. Meanwhile I continued to dress enfemme in private. Once I found therapists to help me, the depression went away. The dysphoria lessened. I met some of the most wonderful people in my transgender community. I am proud to be a member of that community.

Here is a list of my symptoms, I believe, that identify me as transgender and suggests my mother took DES while I was in utero. Micro Penis, late descending testicles (17 years old), defective aortic valve, cardiomyopathy, Congestive heart failure, atherosclerosis, PAD, TIA. Depression and dysphoria. There is also evidence my mother had been married before and that is where I assume there was a miscarriage and was the reason DES was administered beginning about week 8 and continuing until it was assured I would survive.

Hey, here is something I bet you heard before. I knew at seven I was different than the other boys in my class. I played with the girls, jacks, foursquare, hopscotch, tetherball and tada, dressup. I asked my mom to dress me in my sisters clothes. By the time I was twelve, I would sleep in them every night. All in all over the last 69 years I have probably dressed 6000 times. I love doing it. I feel normal when I do. The last five years have been the best of my life.

One thing I learned is to get involved with a support group so you can spend time with people that share your gender perspective. One of those people, I have met is Atom Lisiak (they/them) who happens to be a facilitator at the Ingersoll Gender Center in Seattle and a fellow neuroscientist at University of Washington. A great source for understanding chromosomes, genes, and DNA. Here is the real benefit. Before I finally came out I had not made any friends in the last 20 years. I was scared. Fear is a terrible thing. I am also on the autism spectrum, aka Asperger’s. So now I know why, I can’t hold conversations, look people in the eye, make acquaintances, but I am next thing to genius. I have made so much money for my employers they gave me Special Assignments. For nineteen years. I worked as a Materials Manager, IT advisor SME, Engineer, Buyer. I spent ten years at Boeing as SME and Buyer. I don’t know how many times I told my manager that. “Boss, It ain’t easy being me”. Now that I know the sources of my situation it is a lot easier to tend to the depression and dysphoria. I have quite a few friends now.

I used to have to flll out depression surveys on a regular basis. I have not filed in four years. Now as I stated in the title “Count your blessings”. My wife and I will be married for 36 years. She is my rock. My son is a supervising journeyman electrician. My daughter had her third baby in four years. I love my little cuties. Only one of my friends, I have had since high school objected to my coming out. I have actual friends and once this pandemic is over, I am looking forward to being able to meet with them again.

I’m glad I chose to explore the possibilities. Since the late 80’s I thought beginning HRT would not be possible with all my ailments. Luckily we have the right to informed consent, but didn’t know about it. When I went to my therapist it took two appointments to determine I am transgender. Two weeks later I started HRT. I regret I did not or could not come out when I was younger. I surely would have had all my surgeries but because of all the ailments, I cannot get the surgeries. As disappointing as that is, I’m still pretty darn blessed.

-- Dawn Oday, March 2021

If you would like to reach out to Dawn, you can send us an email at DESCoalition@gmail.com, or reach out to her directly via her Facebook account that you can find at our Facebook page, https://www.facebook.com/groups/DESCoalition.